How to Relive the 80s
Everything old is new again, apparently, as remakes of and sequels to all those 80s movies that we’d really like to forget about – Tron, Wall Street, The Karate Kid, Footloose – are rolling out of Hollywood and into your local cinemas.* For those of you who want to take 80s fever a little further and infuse it into your daily lives (I don’t know who you crazy mofos are, mostly likely you were the ones who didn’t live through the 80s the first time round, let me tell you IT WASN’T PRETTY), I have the solution for you. I know exactly how you can relive the 80s:
Move to Geneva.
No joke, it’s as if Geneva got to about 1988 and then was like, “you know what? This year is awesome. Parachute jackets and hypercolour t-shirts are awesome. Let’s just stay here. Who needs the nineties anyway?” A bunch of crimped-hair girls and hammer pant-wearing guys got a petition together – which is basically all it takes to force a referendum and constitutional change in this country – and voila! It’s the 80s forever in Geneva!
Don’t believe me that Genevois are still listening to Earth, Wind and Fire and watching movies on VCR? Let’s look at the evidence:
- People rollerskate here! As in, they get up in the morning and they skate to work, they roll around the aisles at Coop, they weave in and out of the disgruntled cyclists in the bicycle lane. Seriously! You have to see it to believe it! And we’re not talking rollerblades (which, by the way, are bad enough, I’m pretty sure “let’s go blading” lost its coolness about the same time smoking cigarettes at your office desk was banned) but rollerskates! They’re ludicrious! Unless you’re a 15 year old candy striper living in middle America circa 1954, they are not a legitimate form of transportation!
- I’m pretty sure smoking cigarettes at your office desk is still legal here. In any event, smoking cigarettes EVERYWHERE ELSE is still legal here.
- Speaking of illegitimate forms of transportation, people scoot here! Like, with regular non-motorised foldable scooters! ** Talk about ridiculous, these things go marginally faster than an elderly person’s walker and necessitate a seriously embarrassing set of exaggerated bobbing movements, not to mention the fact that they must be carried around at all times – nothing quite screams “douchebag” like a guy trying you pick you up at a bar with his metal scooter strapped to his back. How do these people swallow their pride and do it? It’s like riding a Pogostick around town.
- Decadence is alive and well, and greed is good. It’s all about money – how much you have, how you spend it, where you keep it – and people aren’t afraid to talk about it and to flaunt it. Geneva is like the pre-recession 80s, where fur and gold encrusted things and convertibles are perfectly justifiable ways to express yourself as the European financial system goes down the gurgler and scores of people drift further into poverty. The Swiss franc is strong! Let’s celebrate! Baby dugong and Cristal Brut for everyone!
- If the posters on the walls at every single hairdresser in Geneva are anything to go by, the following hairstyles – and only the following hairstyles – are available: mullet, undercut, side pony tail, teased fringe, afro.
- People eat fondue as if it’s a) a flavour sensation; b) remotely interesting and c) not going to cause you to die of coronary cancer.
So, obviously, the only conclusion available on the evidence is that Geneva is, indeed, stuck in 1988. There’s nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to don some leggings and shoulder pads, adopt an appropriate hairstyle (see #5), pick up a box of wine and scoot off to the closest bar playing something – anything – by Cindy Lauper!
*When I say “your” local cinemas I mean those of you who don’t live in Geneva – we’re a little behind here in terms of new releases. I think we’re just about to get Wall Street, but the first one, not the sequel.
** Okay, I know these probably technically didn’t even come into being until the 90s, but they’re so eighties-esque, right?